Anger Management is More than Managing Anger

Do you have anger issues? Take a look at this list of myths and decide for yourself. You can make a change with a professional trained in Anger Management and Emotional Intelligence. 

Myth 1: Anger is a primary feeling. 

Mental health professional, George Anderson, MSW, MCSW, CAMF, Certified EQ-i Examiner, states that “Anger is a secondary emotion. Some other feelings always come before anger. Frequently, anger is preceded by stress, anxiety, depression, burnout or fatigue. If the primary feeling can be identified, strategies for managing anger and enhancing self-awareness, social awareness, self-control, empathy and relationship management can be used.” 

Myth 2: I don’t have anger issues; I can control it. 

There is a cost to avoiding our feelings. Everyone has days that are frustrating and situations that may anger us; no one is exempt from strong feelings. Maybe you have the kind of temperament that does not lash out, yell or hit things but chances are the anger is impacting you in other ways. 

Are you having trouble sleeping? Has your eating been out of control or non-existent? Maybe you have lost interest in things that you usually enjoy. All of these behaviors are symptoms of feelings that you are keeping hidden and anger may be one of them. Even though it feels like you are in control, your feelings are controlling you through residual behaviors that may be destructive or harmful to you. 

Myth 3: I feel what I feel and I cannot change. 

It is true that you are allowed to feel what you feel. And it is also true that you may choose not to change but everyone has the capacity for change. If you are having angry outburst that you feel are out of control or impacting your life on a daily basis it may mean that there are underlying feelings that you need to address and it is possible for your behavior to change. 

You can address anger issues through awareness of feelings and thoughts and then changing the behavior. Use a professional that is going to help you develop communication skills, understand anger and learn to be in control. A skilled professional can also raise your emotional intelligence and provide skills for stress management, which also rolls into improvements in relationship management.

You see, Anger Management is more than managing anger - it’s a set of skills that you can master, with the right professional. 

The Anger Management & Emotional Intelligence program we lead is “designed to help individuals recognize and manage anger and stress.” One primary goal is to teach acceptable behaviors and ways to express anger through gaining an understanding of ourselves. Attendees will be taught exercises to try at home and also practice within a safe group atmosphere. The program also includes skill enhancement exercises from the BarOn EQ-i Emotional Intelligence coaching program. 

If you want to learn more about anger management contact us at Central Counseling Services and get signed up with one of our professionally run groups. 

Resources

https://andersonservices.com/- Mental health professional trainers on Anger Management https://www.aaamp.org/ - The American Association of Anger Management Providers Do I have anger issues? (https://www.healthline.com/health/anger-issues) https://www.hpsys.com/EI_BarOnEQ-I.htm- BarOn EQ-i Emotional Intelligence

Amanda Wilbur, ACSW

I provide counseling to individuals (adults and children) and couples. I’ve treated a wide range of challenges, mental health matters, adjustments to life’s hurts, and trauma.

Common trauma symptoms: panic attacks, chronic pain, rage, substance abuse, numbing, depression, nightmares, anxiety, and/or hopelessness.

When my loved one struggled with mental illness I received training and experience with leading classes for National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) family programs and peer support groups. I am certified as an Anger Management Facilitator and SMART Recovery. Besides a Loma Linda University Master's degree, I have specialized training in Postpartum Support International’s Perinatal Mood Disorders Component of Care and Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CF CBT).

I love how the brain works (neuroscience), and how we are impacted through the body (somatic experiencing). I understand how lack of emotional control (dysregulation) can impact us and how attachment disorders affect our relationships. Traumatic events, past experiences, and unresolved issues can disrupt our daily living. An understanding of our body and brain physiology can help. When combined, psychotherapy and body-based or somatic therapy can promote wellness and resilience.

As a therapist, it is important to know how these symptoms work so that we can show compassion and use skills to help clients manage their stress and physical dysregulation. In this way, instead of a major eruption, clients can learn to have little system shocks in their body that are manageable and keep the build-up from happening. A trauma resiliency approach can return the natural rhythm of the nervous system to a resilient place and improve the integration of the brain and the body to a place of whole wellness.

My goal as a therapist is to provide a safe space where each person feels supported, encouraged, and also challenged to grow and build the life they want yet also feel equipped when challenges come up – because they will. They just do.

Insomnia: The Struggle Within

Insomnia is one of the most common disorders in individuals. With all of today’s stress, at least 25 % of adults and children struggle with insomnia.

The most common causes of insomnia include stress, an irregular sleep schedule, poor sleeping habits, mental health disorders like anxiety and depression, physical illnesses and pain, medications, neurological problems, and specific sleep disorders If you struggle with insomnia (a condition that causes trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or both) it can have a profound impact on your quality of life, leading to fatigue, trouble concentrating, mood problems, and even an increased risk of accidents while driving. 

One way to decrease insomnia is to have a regular daily schedule. This allows you to train your mind for sleep.

The next step is to have proper Sleep hygiene. Staying nice, clean and fresh increases our mood decreases stress and causes us to fall asleep easier and stay asleep longer. 

Another suggestion would be to drink tea without caffeine such as chamomile, daily reading before bed help develop a habit of sleep.  Avoiding stimulating activities such as video games, television and screen time an hour before bed.

If you struggle with racing thoughts before bed, you should practice writing down in a daily journal your activities throughout the day, how you feel and express emotions and thoughts through journaling. 

Another suggestion is to have external noise such as a fan or nature sounds to assist you with falling asleep faster and staying asleep longer. 

There also has been suggestions of drinking tart cherry juice before sleep to decrease insomnia. 

The new studies published in the European Journal of Medicine at the end of October shows that tart cherry juice can improve the quality of your sleep, your sleep duration, and help reduce the need for daytime napping.  A discovery was made that adults who drank two 1 ounce servings of tart cherry juice per day experienced a demonstrable increase in sleep efficiency as well as a 39 minute increase in average sleep duration. (WOW!)

So to recap, if you’re struggling with Insomnia, make a daily list of activities, have good hygiene and shower before bedtime, journal any racing thoughts that you have about your day and any stressors and concerns, eliminate all electronics such as video games and television at least an hour before sleep, it’s suggested to drink a warm cup of tea non-caffeinated, turn on some external sound such as a fan or nature sounds to assist with relaxation. The last suggestion is to try tart cherry juice- which is actually pretty good. 

Remember insomnia is normal if it’s not chronic. Everybody faces difficulties in sleeping over the course of their life. However, if this is an ongoing concern and is impairing your daily function due to lack of sleep it is recommended that you seek professional assistance from a healthcare provider such as a medical physician and therapist.

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My name is Lisa Jacobs Clark, I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with CCS. I specialize in children, young adults and women that have or are dealing with depression and anxiety. I have a passion for this population. I entered this field of employment to assist individuals struggling with depression, anxiety and life changing events. Besides assisting individuals in areas that they struggle with, I also am an advocate for children and for families. I truly feel that my purpose is to help the community through therapeutic interventions, mentoring and providing unconditional positive regard to all of my clients. My heart continues to be invested in the work that I provide for the community and CCS. Just as all the other therapists at CCS we are committed to provide and help individuals achieve a better tomorrow.

Are you Good Enough?

Ever wonder if you are good enough? Or have you ever felt like an imposter?

Ever think that if "they" (whoever "they" are) really knew about you, they would know you're not experienced or an expert, and you felt like you're a fraud and defeated? Or ever feel like you have all the motivation in the world, life is great, and then the next day everything is terrible?

Of course, you have everyone on this planet has had a feeling like this sometimes during their life, and many of us experience this feeling daily. The good news is there are ways to help us not have such ups and down with our self-esteem.

According to Adler and Stewart (2004), self-esteem refers to a person's overall sense of value or worth. It can be considered a sort of measure of how much a person "values, approves of, appreciates, prizes, or likes him or herself."

So how do we build our self of confidence and sense of worth?  

Here are a few skills to help you build that confidence and motivation.

1.     Ask yourself, "I am not good enough for what?"

Define what you are judging yourself on. It may be "I am not good enough to speak in front of the class." That may be true right this very minute, but if you practice your speech 10 to 15 times, you will be good enough to speak in front of the class. What if you thought, "I am not a good friend?" Then we must define what constitutes a good friend. A good friend has these traits; a good listener, honest, supportive of each other, kind, and trustworthy. Then you can determine if you fit these characteristics or not. The good news is that we can learn many of these skills. If you find you are not a good listener, you can practice becoming one. We can learn almost anything.

2.      Next, ask yourself, "What is my Evidence for this?"

This type of self-questioning is called "Critical Fact-Checking." What do the facts say? Be careful here because we often try to pull in our feelings instead of facts. For example, if you say I'm a terrible mother because I yelled at my kids. You may have yelled at them today. I feel badly yelling at them. I feel depressed, worthless, and angry at myself. Those are feelings. It doesn't account for all the really great things you do as a parent. You must figure out the why behind your yelling to fix that problem. Look for facts, not just feelings.

3.     Talk to yourself and give yourself Pep-talks. Research says that if you talk to yourself in the second person, your brain is more willing to hear and accept the positive. Thus, if I say, "Sherry, you can do this, just take this step or that…." My brain is more willing to listen and believe in me. We all need pep talks, and there is science that confirms it!

Self-talk improves our performance, enhances motivation, and improves mood. We can use informational self-talk to teach us new steps to activate and improve test-taking. Performance athletes have been using self-talk for years to help them improve their performance.

It is also simple to do. When you are doing a task, let's say studying for a test or taking a run, telling yourself, "John, you got this, your smart." Or "Sally, just a little more, you're close to the finish line."

Another question to ask yourself to give you motivation includes:

1. Do you really want to do this? If the answer is yes, it's ok to tell yourself, "David, it will be hard, but I got this?" Or, "Kelly, it's only two more days; keep it up."

2. Why do you really want to do this? Remember to look for the facts and how you want to feel afterward.

3. What are the steps you need to take to get there? Breaking big tasks into tiny baby steps you can accomplish is the key to doing more significant things.

Once you have these answers, you can develop a plan to complete the tasks. Your brain wants you to have the things you want and enjoy. As you practice this new self-talk skill, you will become more confident in your abilities and have fewer days of wondering if you're good enough because you are!

If you need help with feeling good enough or finding the plan to help you succeed, call us, and we can help.

Sherry Shockey-Pope, LMFT

I began my career in this field because I wanted to help people find their passion and zest for life. My goal working with clients is to help them find their voice and get out of pain as quickly as possible.

I have worked with children in foster care and helped prepare their families for placement. My specialties include anxiety reduction, depression relief, adoption issues, grief and loss, divorce and trauma recovery. I also work with adults who want to find their passion and change their lives while working through the traumas of their pasts.

I am on the faculty of the Public Child Welfare Training Academy where I train local county social workers on Intimate Partner Violence, Mental Health, Family Engagement , Self Care for Social Workers and Eliminating Secondary Trauma. 

I also am available to speak to community groups or provide training on mental health issues, parenting and trauma I further enjoy my role as supervisor of trainees and interns as they are on their journey to become fully licensed therapists.

I am a Member of California Association of Family Therapist (CAMFT state level) and the current co-president of the Inland Empire Chapter of Marriage and Family Therapists 2014-2016. As well as the  chapterfacitator for the Inland CAMFT 3000 Club.

I don't believe that a person should be in counseling for years and years. I think you come in, work on the issues and leave. Later, if you need a tune up, then you come back and we work on healing those issues.

It is my privilege working with my clients as they walk their life's journey.

How To Stop Fighting Your Spouse

One of the first questions I like to ask my client is are you on the same team or on opposing teams?

Do you ever feel like your spouse is not understanding or getting you? 

Have you felt afraid, worried, or on egg shells lately when talking to your spouse? 

Do you find yourself arguing more often about not being understood? 

The best way to figure out what is happening or what went wrong is to use self-reflection and figure out what stressors have been affecting you and your relationship.  At times, we are unaware or lack self-awareness to what is happening in our intimate relationship or even ourselves.  Some may ask what is self-awareness.  I like to explain it as taking a break and asking yourself “how am I doing today or what happened to change my mood?” Many people wear multiple hats and it is hard to check in with self when handling multiple obligations. Some examples: spousal duties, a job, a child, pets, an elderly parent, a sick family member, household responsibilities/chores, errands, finances, family appt.’s, school/sports, daycare, extended family calls, friends, and/or other things that take up our time, you fill in your own blank. 

Not to mention, still dealing with current COVID 19 pandemic, social restrictions, and current fear of unknowns.  Some relationships are equally stressed to being around a spouse longer periods of times since COVID 19/post pandemic outcomes. 

Self-Awareness

I believe the problem we are facing is the lack of self-awareness, not frequently checking in with self, and not asking the right questions:

“how am I doing?” and “what do I need?” 

Whatever your role is in your home, life can be complicated, difficult and it takes time to be in tune with ourselves.  It is difficult to take care of others unless we take charge of our own mental health by checking in with ourselves.  It takes work to eat, sleep, exercise, have fun, make time for self, and being present to enjoy a spouse/family.  It takes work to take a time out and reflect on our own needs. 

I’ve heard this often from either spouse, “I can’t read their mind.”  I agree with this statement, “your spouse does not know how to meet your needs unless you know what they are and you communicate it.”

Your Views

Some may say, “well my spouse doesn’t care or doesn’t understand me.”  That might be true.  However, I like challenging spouses to look at the bigger picture and ask themselves, “how will we get to a place where we can communicate, compromise, and enjoy each other?”  Knowing yourself and being able to communicate needs is a good step in the right direction to helping improve your relationship with your spouse.  Being able to communicate in a respectful manner and valuing each other’s needs promotes intimacy and relationship with your partner.  Our self-mantra can be, “I’m loved, I’m important, I’m able to communicate my needs to build connection with the person I love.” “It can be scary at times, but I can do this.”  Ultimately the goal is to draw closer to our spouse and not moving away from them. 

There are many ways of helping reduce your fights with your spouse, but it is equally important to reflect on what you tell yourself and what is your mindset.  I wish I could say all it takes is taking a magic wand, swirling it over each couple, and fights vanish.  If it were that easy, fights or arguments wouldn’t really exist.  The bigger question is, “what am I able or willing to do to help draw closer to my spouse?”  Another helpful question to ask, “how do I view my spouse?”  “are they valuable, important, can we do life together, and are we on the same team?”  I hope you say we are teammates. 

If your spouse is your teammate, here are some steps/questions to pose to drawing closer to your spouse:

1. What am I telling myself about my spouse? Is it helpful, truth based, and will these thoughts draw me closer to my spouse? Understand this before engaging your spouse. If you’re not in the right head space then come up with more helpful or true thinking statements.

2. Have I checked in with myself today? Have I identified my needs for today (i.e. coffee, breaks, fun activity, rest, sleep, and help with other duties)? Use self-reflection/checking in with self and identify your mood and decide how you want to approach/engage your spouse.

3. If you’re not ready, that is ok like some coaches say, “walk it off.”

4. Set up a team meeting with your spouse. It’s time to communicate. Present your list of things that you need for the day/week and approach your spouse to help you be on the same page (i.e. picking up kids, deciding what’s for dinner, and or requesting a break from your regular day). It’s equally important to stay positive and hopeful rather than negative.

5. It is also important not assuming your spouse doesn’t care or currently knows your needs if not communicated. It takes work, it is better to communicate your needs in a respectful and loving way in hopes of increasing intimacy. Practice makes perfect and the mindset of, “we are a team and we need each other” is a great way of facing difficulty.

6. Lastly, check on your spouse, have you asked what they need, have we worked on helping them feel valued and loved. Have we’ve surprised our spouse lately with the things that they like? Make it a point to make yourself available for them and communicate how valuable they are with affirming words or with a love note.

I think following these steps is a start, but if you are needing some additional help in your relationship please feel free in setting up an appointment for therapeutic services.  I know that every relationship is different and each couple has other traumas and barriers that make this difficult to achieve at times.  I’d be happy to start this journey of self-discovery, identifying ongoing needs, and exploring ways of improving intimacy with your spouse and decreasing the fights.  I hope this information has provided some hope, helpful insight, and ways of improving intimacy with your team mate.  

Best of luck in drawing closer to your spouse. 

Regards,

Erika Hernandez, LPCC

Hi, I look forward to being a part of your journey of self-discovery and healing.

Helping individuals and families is my passion. I have many years of experience providing therapeutic services in Spanish or English. I invite you on this journey of collaborating, identifying your needs, and learning how to meet those needs for better daily living.

I have helped individuals and families in the areas of depression, anxiety, trauma, difficult life transitions, improving pro-social skill, developing healthy relationships/boundaries, assisting with parenting skills, and working on boundary setting, improving self-esteem, and adjusting to family dynamic changes (i.e., divorce, grief, and other family stressor or life changes).

I enjoy working with multicultural individuals and welcome incorporating creative and artistic expression in my scheduled therapeutic sessions as a method of the ongoing development of coping skill use. My therapeutic modality preference is through a creative lens in combination with CBT, Trauma Focused-CBT, Seeking Safety, Motivational Interviewing, and Narrative Therapy.

I count it a privilege to help clients and families with the healing process of self-discovery, freedom of expression, increasing personal interests, sharing their story, identifying their own personal values, current, and future motivations, developing healthy and positive self-talk, increasing hope, incorporating their own personal faith-based values, and developing a reasonable action plan to improve daily and functional living.

Prior to joining the CCS, I provided intensive field-based therapeutic services to children and adolescents with severe mental health challenges and their families at Pacific Clinics.

Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.

Celebrating Father’s Day

With Father’s Day approaching many people are reminded of the presence of their father in their lives. Through history the importance of a father’s role in the family had been seen as primarily a provider and disciplinarian rather than a caretaker. In more recent times, it has been seen that father’s who are emotionally present and active in the child’s life can make a profound positive impact.

As we know, having both parents in the home would lead to increased emotional wellness and likely lead to an improved outcome for the children involved. Unfortunately, the CDC reports that there were 6.1 marriages per 1,000 people in 2019 and 2.7 divorces/annulments per 1,000 people in the same time frame. While not every divorce that was mentioned involved children in the home it is likely that there are fewer complete households than in the past.

As a father myself I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not be engaged in my children’s lives on a day-to-day basis.

Just like most things in life, we tell ourselves “if that happened to me I wouldn’t do that, I’d be involved in my kid’s life.” However, life tends to throw us twists and turns and we may end up in a place that we didn’t expect. For some fathers they have difficulty maintaining positive relationships with their children after a divorce or separation which is due to any number of reasons. That distance can have a negative impact on the children involved who are left to wonder what led for this situation to come to pass and what does that mean for them. While society is quick to minimize the impact that a divorce or separation has on children I would challenge them to review how many children from single parent household are treated for emotional and behavioral problems 1, engaged in criminal activity 2 and more likely to drop out of high school 3.

My point with this is to say that for those who have father’s whom are present, engaged and well-balanced likely have a more secure attachment, useful social skills and better able to pass along those experience to their children. My goal would be to help those who want to become more balanced for themselves and their partner. We may not have had the well-balanced experiences that we wished had, but we can take steps to become the parents we wish we had. This work we do on ourselves will likely pay dividends to future generations as well.

If you were to take a walk through the downtown of any metropolitan city you’re likely to see people who are struggling and having difficulties in their day-to-day lives. We don’t know their history or life circumstances, but it is likely that they don’t or didn’t have the support of their family or significant others at critical points in their lives.

We could spend hours ruminating on the “what ifs” and “if onlys,” but that doesn’t change the objective reality of the present moment. Negative experiences such as abuse, absenteeism and addiction tend to reoccur through generational trauma (i.e., “it happened to me and I just had to deal with it”).

While we are not responsible for the circumstances of those negative experiences, we are responsible for how we let them continue to impact our lives. Every day that we are alive we have the opportunity to develop awareness into our behaviors and attitudes. Once we begin to challenge our automatic thoughts and reactions we’ll be better equipped to take different actions and develop the change necessary to improve our lives and the lives of those around us.

I recognize that some people may not have positive relationships with their biological father. My hope is that there is a father figure involved who may also provide that structure and support. The idea is to celebrate those in our lives who are taking the time to be present and committed. Father’s who have overcome their own setbacks and obstacles have such an opportunity to change the cycle. In some ways, these father’s can share their experience with their family in an open and honest way to strengthen these relationships and likely reduce the chance that their children would have those same negative experiences.

For anyone who is seeking support to develop skills and better manage relationships and communication to reducing anxiety and depression please do not hesitate to contact me or the staff at Central Counseling Services at 951-778-0230 to make an appointment.

1 Deborah A. Dawson. “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-Being: Data from the

1988 National Health Interview Survey on Child Health,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol.

53, No. 3 (August 1991), pp. 573–584.

2 Chris Coughlin and Samuel Vuchinich, “Family Experience in Preadolescence and the

Development of Male Delinquency,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 58, No. 2 (1996), pp.

491–501.

3 Timothy Biblarz and Greg Gottainer, “Family Structure and Children’s Success: A Comparison

of Widowed and Divorced Single-Mother Families,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 62

(May 2000), pp. 533–548.

Eric Ontiveros, LCSW

"YOU HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED THIS MOUNTAIN TO SHOW OTHERS IT CAN BE MOVED." - UNKNOWN

I want to be present with others while they take amazingly courageous steps towards self-awareness. I enjoy being a therapist as I can witness others take possession of their lives and create change through action. I am hopeful that I may be able to help unlock the power of healing within each client so that they would relieve themselves of the need to have therapy. I hold myself to a high standard such that client care is my utmost priority. I work towards maintaining professional and ethical values to reduce any conflicts and best support the client.

I have worked for nine years within the Riverside County Mental Health Department conducting individual therapy, group therapy, and emergency interventions. I completed my undergraduate degree in psychology in 2008 from the University of California, Riverside. I received my Master of Social Work degree in 2012 from Loma Linda University. I attended three years of training in Gestalt Therapy at Gestalt Associates Training, Los Angeles.

I specialize in helping my clients better managing their anxiety and depression by developing awareness regarding problematic activities or beliefs. I have worked with couples to improve communication and assist w/ processing emotional content.

I am hopeful that we can work together so that you may find your path through this troubling time. You are not alone. Life has given everyone obstacles; whatever yours are they can be overcome.

Call our office at (951) 778-0230 to set up an appointment. The office is open seven days a week, and I am available on weekdays and have opened my calendar to allow for highly requested evening appointments. I will see you soon.

Some Adult Behaviors Of Someone Who Suffered From Verbal Abuse As A Child

 Low Self-Esteem

When you hear a lot of verbal abuse as a child, you begin to internalize it. Being repeatedly insulted, called names, and told that you aren’t good enough takes a toll on you. As a child, you slowly begin to believe that you are all those things.

This is especially true if you were always told to lighten up or have more positive thinking whenever a cruel comment upset you. As a child, you lacked the necessary reasoning ability to understand that your family members were in the wrong, not you. So, instead, you believed them, and along the way, your confidence was lost and you began to doubt and dislike yourself. 

Here are some ways that low self-esteem due to childhood verbal abuse may be affecting you to this day:

You Blame Yourself A Lot:

Verbal abusers often like to point fingers. They’ll put the blame on anyone and everyone except themselves. Your family members likely never took responsibility for their wrongdoings; instead, they guilted you, causing you to always feel at fault.

Today, this may cause you to always blame yourself about everything – even things that don’t have much to do with you. If anything goes wrong, you automatically feel guilty and think you could have done something to stop it.

You Have Trouble Standing By Decisions:

When you were growing up, there’s a good chance that your family members would always insist that they knew best. Every time you had a good idea or wanted to make your own choices, they would manipulate you. They would make you believe that you were young and ignorant, and they weren’t controlling you; they just “care.”

Of course, they didn’t care, and it was all an act to put you in your so-called place. As a grown-up, this may cause you to lack conviction in your ability to make decisions. You may second guess your choices or become extremely anxious about making them. And if they happen to be the wrong choices, you’ll berate yourself for days – if not longer.

You Do A Lot Of Negative Self-Talk:

Verbal abuse conditions children to think negatively about themselves. This is why your inner voice may mirror your abuser’s. You may have a constant barrage of negative thoughts and criticize yourself over every small issue. You may even insult yourself.

You Feel Like You’re Never Good Enough: 

Verbally abusive families often expect unreasonable things out of their children. Even if those kids manage to achieve those unrealistic expectations, there is never any reward or any kindness waiting.

As an adult, this may cause you to always feel like you could have done more. You may overwork yourself, obsess over failure unhealthily, and consider any achievement less than the very best to be not nearly good enough.

 You Don’t Consider Your Needs Important: 

Verbally abusive homes are often also neglectful. When you expressed your needs as a child, you were likely ignored or told to suck it up. Today, this may manifest in a lack of care for your wellbeing. You may underestimate your needs, or you may feel like they aren’t worthy of your attention and care. 

Recovery from childhood verbal abuse: 

However through individual therapy using cognitive behavioral therapy strategies and techniques we can modify self-esteem through Cognitive restructuring or reframing negative thoughts of self, Guided discovery, Exposure therapy, Journaling and thought records, Activity scheduling and behavior activation, Behavioral experiments, Relaxation and stress reduction techniques, Role playing and daily positive self-affirmations. 

As a child we cannot help our circumstances. However as an adults we can change cognitive distortions of self and improve self-awareness, self-esteem and promote positive productivity through individual therapy. 

My name is Lisa Jacobs Clark. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with CCS and have been practicing for over five years. 

I enjoy working with children, teens and adults to improve their cognitive perceptions of themselves, improving self-value, self-worth and overall self-esteem through active strategies discussed in weekly individual therapy. 

LISA J. CLARK, LMFT

Lisa loves working with teens and adults. She helps by teaching anxiety reduction skills and problem-solving skills. She is a good listener and she cares much. She hates to see people in pain and she works with them to help them develop a happier and healthier life. She is optimistic and warm and she helps people see other perspectives.

She is a parent and she understands that raising children can be a lot of hard work and sometimes parents get stressed and need help too.

A favorite quote of her is "It's easier to build strong children than repair Broken men." Fredrick Douglass.

The Super Power of Hugging

What if I told you that you have a superpower right at your fingertips? What if this superpower improved your overall physical and mental health, reduced stress and anxiety, lowered your blood pressure, and improved your communication? What if you only needed to use this superpower a few moments a day, every day, to achieve these results? Sound too good to be true? Well, read on to learn how to use your superpower!

Have you guessed what this superpower is? Hugging!

Hugging is so important that is has it’s own day of recognition. Yup, January 23rd is National Hugging Day, and while this is not a federal holiday, it is publicly recognized by the United States. Rev Kevin Zaborney founded it in 1986 in Caro, Michigan. This is a day where public displays of emotion are encouraged. It is an opportunity to notice those around you and to reach out and hug someone. As AT&T suggested back in the 1970s, reach out and touch someone!

Why is this superpower so important? Why is it necessary to have a National Hugging Day? Studies throughout the years have indicated that physical touch has multiple benefits, both physically and mentally. Can you remember the last time you hugged someone? Do you remember how you felt inside? Did you feel your blood pressure lowering? Did you feel less anxious and a little more safe and secure inside? These are just a few benefits of physical touch. 

Research conducted at the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine has shown that physical touch may protect you from heart disease and reduce your chances of becoming ill. Your quality of life and experience of pain might be affected too. Lastly, physical touch can help us with our nonverbal communication, sending messages of love, care, and concern.  

Hugging can boost our mood, decrease feelings of fatigue, and improve our overall feelings of well-being. Something as small as a touch actually releases a hormone called oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.”  This hormone is responsible for reducing anxiety and lowering our blood pressure. The stress hormone called norepinephrine is also decreased when we are hugging someone. More commonly, this neurotransmitter is responsible for the “flight or fight response.” And a simple hug can have a significant impact on us.

Despite all the benefits of physical touch, our Western culture is slowly becoming touch-deprived. There are multiple reasons why this is happening. Increased screen time and distraction from our phones are the main culprits. We are also increasingly more isolated and have fewer opportunities to touch one other. Covid and the pandemic severely limited our ability to interact and safely reach out. All of this has had a negative impact on our physical and mental health. Research says that due to COVID, Americans want more space between us than ever. 

So how can we use this superpower in times of a pandemic or if no one is readily available to hug? According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, Ph.D., hugging yourself is just as beneficial as hugging someone else. When we hug ourselves, we can still reap the benefits of an improved mood, reduction in pain, and an increased sense of safety and security. As Dr. Neffi states, hugging yourself “Gives a boost to our self-compassion.” We are more likely to experience an increase in our self-esteem and not be so harsh on ourselves when we make a mistake. 

Are you ready to break out your superpower and begin benefitting from hugging? Researcher and “founder of family therapy” Virginia Satir suggests that 4 hugs a day are needed for survival, 8 for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth. If this seems too much hugging, start small and slowly increase your hugging as it feels right for you.

If you would like to talk further about the importance of touch and other superpowers inside of you or any other concern, please call the office to make an appointment.

LEANN GALOUSTIAN, LCSW

“Bloom where you are planted” - The Bishop of Geneva

My theoretical foundation lies in strength-based therapy. I believe in the transformative power of listening and being present in a safe and nonjudgmental space. When you take that first step and reach out for help you have already started the healing process. Therapy is a place where you can unburden yourself. As a therapist, I believe things will get better even if it feels like right now, things will never change. I can help you see the progress made and the inner strength reflected in yourself. You will learn the skills to empower yourself to go forward and face what life may bring. I specialize in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness, and Mood regulation which can help to address your therapeutic needs.

I have worked with children, adolescents, and families who have struggled with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, ADHD, substance abuse, trauma, and neglect. I have sat on both sides of the chair and understand what it means to be facing a crisis and how to move forward and regain your equilibrium.

My education includes a Masters in Social Work from the University of California, Los Angeles. Bachelors of Arts Degree from Cal State University, Northridge, and I was the University of Southern California Masters in Social Work Graduate Student Supervisor. Throughout my 10 years of working in the mental health field, whether it be inpatient care, outpatient mental health, medical setting, or authorizing mental health treatment for an insurance company, the goal is the same. Listen, be present without judgment and provide support.

I look forward to working with you as you begin your journey of healing.

Please, call me today to set up an appointment, 951-778-0230.

Memorial Day is More Than Just Another Weekend

As members of the workforce, we often find it exciting to have a 3-day weekend to spend with the family, with friends, or doing some of our favorite activities. One of those weekends happens to be Memorial Day Weekend. However, it’s important to remember the commemoration of Memorial Day - that it’s more than just a weekend, it’s to honor those who have died in military services.

Memorial Day, which is celebrated on the last Monday in the month of May, serves to honor those who died in military service to the nation. According to the United Service Organizations, this holiday’s roots trace back to post-Civil war era, when citizens would informally place spring flower memorials on the graves of fallen soldiers. By the late 1960’s, Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act to establish Memorial Day as a calendar day, and by the 1970’s it had officially transformed into a legal 3-day holiday weekend.

It’s important to acknowledge that the families who have had to endure the loss of their loved one and beloved service member a day of remembrance. The loss of a loved one never truly leaves their loved ones. Rather, the families and friends of these fallen service members have had to endure their loss, grow around their grief, and continue on. 

Memorial Day is more than just a 3-day weekend filled with activities, discounted sales, and the kickoff for the summer. It is a day of collective remembrance for those who have died in military service and the grief that their loved ones experience.

Cecilia Fabe, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships

Let's talk about borderline personality disorder (BPD) and relationships. The first thing we want to do is recognize the traits of borderline personality disorder. People with BPD tend to have an intense fear of being left alone or abandoned. Regardless of whether such abandonment is real or imagined, the individual may take extreme measures to avoid possible separation or rejection. These measures can include threatening self-harm, starting fights and arguments, and engaging in jealous behaviors. Unfortunately, these behaviors can cause an adverse reaction and cause the other partner to withdraw, which is the one thing that the person with a borderline personality disorder is trying to prevent.

BPD tends to make maintaining healthy relationships very challenging. A person with BPD tends to have a very black and white way of thinking about people, seeing them as all good or all bad. This causes frequently shifting attitudes towards others that range from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation). What this can look like  "I love you " now" I hate you" behavior.

People with BPD also struggle with identity disturbances. Their ability to be independent and autonomous is significantly impaired. They may also have constantly shifting ideas of who they are or what they want in life, including changing partners often, which can further uphold their unstable view of relationships.

Impulsive, risky, and often self-destructive behaviors are also common for those with BPD. This can include actually ending a healthy relationship. 

Suicidal thoughts and behavior are not uncommon for those who struggle with BPD. This suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal threats, or carrying out a suicide attempt.

Another common symptom of BPD is emotional volatility, with intense mood swings ranging from extreme happiness to despair the next. They have a lot of trouble regulating their emotions. While these mood swings tend to pass fairly quickly, typically lasting only a few minutes or hours, they can also persist for several days in some cases. Behaviors associated with this can include starting arguments with your partner. These behaviors are very trying for the partner, and the partner is often left with little direction on how to fix it.

Those with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty feeling empathy for others. Studies have shown that those with BPD often have reduced activity in the brain regions that support empathy, leading to difficulty maintaining interpersonal relationships. This reduced activity means that those with BPD have difficulty understanding and predicting how others may feel in certain situations. Thus making the partner feel misunderstood and feeling alone.

 BPD is one of the most stigmatized mental health conditions. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that affects adults in the United States alone. Those who develop BPD tend to begin exhibiting signs by early adulthood.

Let's talk about how one "gets" borderline personality disorder.

 Genetics might make you more vulnerable to developing BPD, but often it's due to stressful or traumatic life experiences that these vulnerabilities are triggered and become a problem. Either natural or fear of abandonment in childhood or adolescence, a disrupted family life, or poor communication in the family. Another factor contributing to BPD is sexual, physical, or emotional abuse from childhood. 

There is evidence that those diagnosed with BPD are more likely to have had a history of abuse or other distressing experiences during childhood. Studies have shown that 40% to 76% of people with BPD report being sexually abused as children, and 25% to 73% report being physically abused. Both physical and emotional neglect can also be contributing factors.

Treatment

With treatment and continual support from family and partners, people with BPD can have successful relationships. Dialectical behavioral therapy is commonly used with people who have BPD. A therapist will help you learn to respond to emotional situations with reason and proper judgment. This will reduce the dichotomous thinking (the belief that everything is black and white) that so many people with BPD have. 

Part of caring for a partner with BPD is understanding what they're experiencing. Understanding the level of emotional disorder they experience can help you respond in a way that protects both of you from other chaos.

If you have BPD or have a partner with BPD give me a call and let’s work together to create a healthier and happier relationship.

Courtney Whetstone, LMFT

I became a therapist because I want to help people who are struggling to change their lives. I work with clients in a caring and compassionate manner, and I tailor the treatment to fit their needs and goals. You are the most important part of your treatment - it needs to relate to your life in a way that works for you. I will challenge you to overcome the challenges you see in your life with support and positive feedback. My approach is working collaboratively toward a happier life for you by helping you make positive changes, including increasing your self-awareness and those barriers that have come between you and your goals.

My specialties include working with children and adolescents, couples, and in crisis intervention. I have experience in many areas, including family reunification counseling, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I also teach our co-parenting class here at CCS on Saturday mornings. Please call and set an appointment with me to help you develop  new tools to overcome emotional hurdles you are facing with strength and confidence.

Preparing for Mother’s Day: Support and Empowerment

Mother’s Day is an occasion that many people around the world celebrate. However, it is not often the happiest day for many others. Mother’s Day can trigger some of the toughest feelings for people, such as those grieving the loss of a child, struggling with infertility, those without a relationship with their own mother, or even struggling with adoption. It’s important to take care of yourself as Mother’s Day approaches, as some of these tough feelings are brought up. Here are some helpful ways to plan ahead to support and empower yourself through Mother’s Day:

1. Plan Ahead
   Schedule ahead how you plan on celebrating Mother’s Day. Whether it be taking the day off and shopping around, plan a trip, or dedicate the day to just overall self-care.
   

2. Take a Social Media Break
   With the convenience of social media, we can stay connected to our loved ones. However being sucked into social media leads us into comparison and jealousy, especially during holidays. Take the day off from browsing through social media to avoid some tough feelings.
   

3. Talk About It
   Take the time to meet with your therapist or to talk to a trusted loved one about your thoughts and feelings. Speaking with someone about your hurt or frustration can be so helpful.
   

4. Feel Your Feelings
   It may be the most uncomfortable thing to do, but you owe it to yourself to truly acknowledge the hurt that you may be experiencing during the holiday. Acknowledge those feelings and practice your self care/ coping skills to enhance your emotional wellness.

CECILIA FABE, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Preparing for the Posts Ahead and FOMO: How to Deal with the Fear of Missing Out as We Begin Festival Season

All generations are now familiar with social media – from creating and sharing posts about their weekend adventure to sharing the next up-and-coming restaurant that just popped up. It is without a doubt that we all feel the excitement to share with our family, friends, and followers on the most exciting times of our lives, however have we ever taken the chance to reflect on that feeling that we are missing out on events, festivals, opportunities that others share on their feed? This feeling is called the Fear of Missing Out. According to VeryWellMind, The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) refers to:

“the feeling or perception that others are having more fun, living better lives, or experiencing better things than you are. FOMO is not just the sense that there might be better things that you could be doing at this moment, but it is the feeling that you are missing out on something fundamentally important that others are experiencing right now.”

Essentially, FOMO is often exacerbated by spending time on any social media platform: Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Youtube, etc. FOMO is phenomenon that affects people of all ages, as studies have also shown that there was a greater linkage to this feeling between increased smartphone & social media usage, regardless of age and gender. Research has also shown that increased feelings of FOMO detrimentally affect an individual’s sense of self-esteem and even envy.

So how can one take care of oneself as we venture on to warmer months, more vacations, more festivals, more social media posts? How can we minimize FOMO for ourselves? Here are some tips:

1. Practice Gratitude
   Oftentimes, we focus on our “lack mindset”. This means that we tend to focus on the things, experiences, people that we do not have. Rather, it is important for us to take the time to practice some gratitude – to change our mindset to one about “abundance”. With an “abundance mindset”, we take the time to name the people. Places, things, experiences, and so on that we are truly grateful for. With this, you can start a gratitude journal or simply take the time to practice some mindfulness and name these things to ourselves. With an “abundance mindset”, we take the time to focus on what we do have and the opportunities to follow.
   

2. Get Connected
   During this time, getting connected to our loved ones, including friends, family, and supporters, can be such a nice change of pace. Nowadays, we often get caught up in the speed and frenzy of social media, when we truly need to take the time to get connected either physically or through Zoom/FaceTime with those that we truly care about it. Making plans can help you with being able to conquer that feeling that you are missing out on life.
   

3. Journal It Out
   The benefits of this day and age is the accessibility to creating any kind of note at any time. With a smartphone or even with a regular notebook, take some time to jot down your thoughts both helpful and unhelpful. With social media, people are expected to share all the happy moments, however it’s important for us to process the moments that are the opposite. So whether your journal entry be about you promotion at work, you receiving a scholarship in school, or how the guy that cut you off while driving on the freeway was rude – journal it out to process.

Scott, E. 2021, April 25. How to Deal With FOMO in Your Life. VeryWellMind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-cope-with-fomo-4174664

CECILIA FABE, ACSW

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Do your friends tell you you need a therapist?

Check out our latest vlog HERE

Nora discusses the struggles and emotions that come along with being visually impaired and wants others to know they aren't alone. It is important to face these challenges and she helps clients combat them by using tools and different coping skills to fight them once and for all. Nora advocates for those struggling and provides a therapeutic safe space with no judgment to help clients live their best lives. 

NORA MUONGPRUAN, AMFT

I have a passion for sing with people and helping them find a sense of hope in their most vulnerable moments. I believe that everyone has a right to be heard and validated. I use a client-centered, collaborative approach allowing the person the opportunity to discover the barriers that keep them from living their best life. In addition, I serve as a guide for the client to reach their own personal goals.

I enjoy working with people of all ages, including children, teens, and adults. My therapeutic space is always compassionate and non-judgmental to allow a safe and comfortable place to navigate and explore what is needed.

I am a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT).

How to Manage Holiday Stress

While Easter is approaching, it’s important to discuss ways to get out of the rabbit hole this weekend. Celebrating Easter does come with its many quirks - preparing gift baskets, hiding Easter eggs for the kids, and so on. However, regardless of the fun, it’s a holiday, and many people out here may love or hate holidays. It’s important that as we approach yet another holiday to practice self-awareness. Below are listed some ways in which we all can ease the stress that comes with celebrating:

1. Acknowledge your expectations.

Take some time to consider what you value during the holiday. Is it spending some time with a religious community? Or maybe skipping out on inviting the whole world to your Easter party and inviting those dearest to you? Either way, with each holiday season comes a lot of self reflection that you’d have to practice.

2. Communicate with your support system.

Holidays can be stressful. Take some time to contact your support system - a close family member, friend, etc. - who can be able to listen to your concerns. You can even take time to speak with your therapist if your are linked with one. Talking your thoughts out to process can be incredibly helpful.

3. Start a New Tradition.

Sometimes creating our own new traditions can be most helpful in navigating through a holiday. Take some time to consider what are some customs that are important to you and possibly apply it to the upcoming holiday.

4. Volunteer.

Holidays are always the perfect opportunity to practice altruism and support your community. With this upcoming Easter season, you may spend time making easter baskets to hand out to the community or participate in arranging easter festivities for little one’s with your local church. 

5. Contact Us for Help.

If the upcoming holiday is truly a difficult time for yourself, there is always the option of reaching out to your mental health services provider or therapist. Make sure to discuss with your providers ahead of time in coming up with a safety to address your concerns.

Easter can be such a joyful time, however it’s important for us to be mindful when we are overwhelmed, so we don’t fall into that rabbit hole.

CECILIA FABE, ACSW, 96704

I believe that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

Dealing with life’s stressors can often be overwhelming, and continuing to experience emotional stressors can create a debilitating impact upon the relationship you have with yourself and others. Just because you experience these stressors, doesn’t mean you have to go face them all alone. Whether it be depression, anxiety, hopelessness, relationship conflicts, etc. I hope to be your trusted support.

My name is Cecilia, and I am a compassionate, empathetic clinical therapist. I obtained my B.A. in psychology from UC Riverside and my Master of Social Work from Loma Linda University. My professional experience includes providing individual and group therapy services in the outpatient setting in both mental health and substance abuse clinics. I provide counseling for teens, adults, and couples.

My focus is on providing trauma-informed care that is client-centered and strengths-based. I have the strong belief that treatment is focused on you, and that you are truly capable of overcoming life’s difficulties, especially through thoughtful therapeutic guidance.

I provide services utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Trauma-Informed Systems, as well as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. I provide therapy in both English and Tagalog!

My hope is to provide you with a safe space to be able to work through life’s stressors and for you to feel supported, empowered, & capable. 

Emotional Intimacy

Have you ever spent the entire day with someone, but still felt like you missed them or you didn’t really connect in your time together? It’s possible that you are doing tasks alongside someone but missing emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy applies to all relationships. You do not have to be a touchy-feely person to have emotional intimacy. It's more a matter of having the ability to show someone that you care, rather than gushing over someone and sharing all of your feelings all of the time. 

“Emotional intimacy could be defined as allowing yourself to connect more deeply with your partner through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities and trust,” says Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York City and faculty member in Columbia University's clinical psychology Ph. D

Here are some examples:

• When you’re aware that your friend has an important event coming up and you text them to “Best of luck” on the day of or ask them how it went.

• When you ask your parent for their opinion on a subject even if you don’t need their advice. Giving them an opportunity to give a neutral perspective on a topic.

• When you’re running late to work and your partner helps you out by packing your lunch and getting your coffee started.

• When you see that a family member had a strong reaction to something, checking in with them about it later to see how they felt or if they want to discuss it. 

• You tell your parents about an upsetting experience you had and they listen carefully to your complaints and discuss them calmly with you. 

• You tell your coworker about an incident at work and they listen to you and offer support as you figure out how to navigate the situation. 

Emotional Intimacy in Romantic Relationships

A relationship can survive without physical intimacy, but not emotional intimacy.  Emotional intimacy in relationships is important as it allows you to reach new levels of trust and vulnerability in your relationship. Common challenges to emotional intimacy in relationships are when one partner feels that their partner is not providing equal levels of emotional attention and support or when one partner confuses emotional intimacy as an opportunity to emotionally unload on their partner.  

How Do You Build It?

The recipe for emotional intimacy is equal parts communication and trust. Emotional connections take time to build. In addition to having patience you have to create opportunities to demonstrate that you can be trusted. This allows, the other person to gauge how safe they are to be vulnerable with you and how reliable you are. It’s important to start where the other person is. Start with the present relationships or interests, rather than childhood and deep family relationships.

Why Don’t You Have It?

Is it a trust issue? communication issue? or both? Having a strong emotional bond is an outcome of working on these issues first. Trust is the hardest to build and easiest to lose. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re in the re-building phase of trust. The person has to be willing to put in the effort to repair what they have broken. They have to take ownership of what actions they took to damage the relationship in the first place. The focus should be on building a healthy relationship instead of recreating the relationship you once had. The reality is that it's gone and if you were both truly fulfilled then it would have been sustainable.  

How Do You Accept That Your Partner Will Not Give It To You?

Can you force someone to give you what they don't have? For many people it isn’t a conscious decision but more of a completely new way of relating to someone. Healthy marriages are supposed to be different than every other relationship you carry. It is unique and that often makes it challenging for people to create something they’ve never had. 

If your partner can carry an emotionally intimate relationship but chooses not to, then you can't force them. You should demonstrate patience and communicate your needs consistently and calmly. Once you’ve established that they understand what you are asking for, given clear ways of creating it, and given ample opportunities to make the changes necessary, then you have to accept that you don’t have control over their behavior. You can choose to remain in the relationship as it is, but it is likely you are continuing in the relationship based on the potential you see in the relationship, more than the reality of the current relationship. 

For more info, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-build-emotional-intimacy-your-partner-starting-tonight-ncna1129846

Vanessa Trujillo, LCSW

My first steps into the field of mental health started in Los Angeles County working to reunite families who had been separated due to abuse and generational trauma. I learned firsthand how important it is to heal from emotional pain in order to develop healthy relationships and positive personal change.

I have worked as a therapist for 8 years and know that we are all working towards stability and security. I have found success in working with youth, women, children, and families, ages 4-80 years old, who struggle to manage their worries, feel hopeless, and/or have experienced trauma. It is important to me that I learn about each client, in order to identify ways that I could be of service to them and their family, rather than to pathologize their behavior.

I strive to provide mental health services based in compassion, commitment, and honesty. My goal is to ensure that each person I work with understands their behavioral health condition and can identify techniques to be successful in overcoming any impairments. Often, when facing challenges with our emotional health, we become convinced that we are in a hopeless situation. While no amount of therapy can change someone’s lived experiences, in therapy we work to understand the meaning of these events and provide you with tools to determine the direction you want your life to take.

Our sessions will include theory, literature, and evidenced based techniques to create practical solutions that can be used in everyday situations. I would love to assist you in taking the first steps in a journey to improve the quality of your life and/or relationships.

TO BOOK A SESSION WITH VANESSA CALL 951-778-0230. VANESSA IS ALSO BILINGUAL IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH.

Accidents Happen to All of Us

At the age of ten I was in a fairly bad car accident. It left me with a broken nose and severe whiplash. By age twelve I was beginning to complain about neck and pack pains and by fourteen the feelings were daily. Throughout high school it was not uncommon to hear me complaining about my neck and back or constantly pulling and adjusting at my shoulders. At that time, however, it did not keep me from doing the things I loved to do, such as sewing, dance, and other physical activities. My homelife was also stressful at that time and days where pain flareups were worse, I often did little to nothing. Of course, doing little to nothing can be common in teenage years, but the constant pain on top of stress could drain the energy from me and leave me with no reserves for basic functions. 

I married and had kids young and the stress of this also made for difficulties in managing my pain. By the age of twenty-five and a couple more car accidents, I had finally had enough and sought more intensive treatment. I was given shots, pills, and physical therapy. All of which provided temporary relief (except perhaps the agonizing and daily requirements of physical therapy which took a long time to see lasting results from), and I was never one to want to be dependent on pills. I needed to reevaluate everything.

The Problem

Experiencing chronic pain can impact not only your daily functioning, but your mental health. Pain can have a significant impact on all areas of our lives from sleep to eating to even thinking straight. The populations with the highest rates of suicide deaths are those cited as nearly one in ten having had signs of chronic pain. Pain can affect the way we sleep and our quality of sleep, making our ability to eat and tolerate stress and frustration impossible, as well as decrease focus/concentration-related accidents. Sleep is arguably one of the most important basic functions we can do as humans. Our mental health is directly affected when we are negatively impacted by constant and persistent pain, creating a level of emotional hostility when we are preoccupied with managing even mild rates of discomfort. We become less friendly, experience less happiness, basic functional impairment (as discussed above), and increase our production of the stress hormone cortisol.

While there is a physiological and medical cause for a lot of chronic pain, it is important to critically evaluate your lifestyle and the way we interact with ourselves. While our mental state and emotional health may not always be a cause of pain, it is something well documented to have somatic implications on our physical health.

Why This Matters

Chronic pain and its emotional effects it can have in our lives can hinder our self-esteem, self-efficacy, and our relationships with others. This is important because we rely on the emotional (and sometimes physical) support of others. It can feel hard to tolerate being an emotional support for others when you feel constant agony within yourself. It can fuel undo resentment that is difficult to rationalize. It can cause us to be short-tempered, snarky, snappy, or completely unresponsive. Chronic pain can damage relationships as much as it can damage our self-worth and self-esteem. 

The presence of chronic pain can create and worsen our perception and interaction with others and the world by depriving us of basic needs as well as emotional wellbeing.

The types of chronic pain we all can deal with will vary from person to person and natural temperament plays an important role too. Our support system is another big factor which is why pushing people away for what we cannot control is the last thing we want to do! We may not be able to control how we feel at any given moment, but we always have control over our behaviors and the words we choose to express our pains and frustrations.

What Can We Do?

While the idea of managing chronic pain with no end in sight can be daunting as well as devastating, it is important to have a team behind you. This is your care team of professionals, such as doctors and therapists, as well as your support team such as friends and family. If pain management has minimal effects on comfort, such as those suffering with fibromyalgia or other painful conditions, having a solid care routine is crucial. Follow your medical doctor’s recommendations and advice religiously. 

You can also get emotional and mental support from mental health therapists that can teach you coping skills such as cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness therapy, somatic anchoring techniques, and exploring commitment and radical, unconditional acceptance. With support it can become easier to express your immediate needs, your limitations, and how others can best help you when you most need it. Through evaluation and inner awareness you can assess where your lifestyle can improve your quality of life as well as emotional factors playing into the worsening of symptoms.

It is important to remember we are sometimes overtaken by our intense pain, both physically and emotionally, that it is easy to overlook the good and where we can improve our own environment to support healthy functions.

Next Steps

What can we do next? Start with seeking support for emotional wellness and mental fortitude while you battle a force beyond your control. Seek someone who can help guide you through the mourning process and feelings of loss that chronic pain causes. Practice patience for yourself through this acceptance process on days you cannot do as much as you did yesterday. Use mindfulness exercises that help you through this acceptance process, but also allow yourself to experience positive moments throughout your day. While pain is experienced in the body, it is perceived only in the brain. A trained cognitive behavioral therapist can help put the experience of your pain into context and better understanding of your body. Your next steps may be daunting, but you do not have to endure it alone. Call me I understand you pain.